Jun 11, 2019

Freeschoolin' A Funeral

My Worst Fear Come True

11:30 pm May 17, 2019 the police were at the door informing me that my dear son Skylar had been found deceased in a wooded area in Oshawa, Ontario at 5pm earlier that day. My firstborn, my stolen son, was gone from this earth at 26 years of age. The coroner would tell me a few days later that he had died from an overdose of Purple Heroin, which contains Fentanyl, a deadly drug that has taken the lives of many in recent years. My son was born in 1993 when I was 17. After he was born, I was feeling very emotionally distant. Though I thought Skylar cute, I couldn't feel this love everyone talked about. And then it happened. When Skylar was about 3 weeks old, I was changing his diaper one afternoon. I picked him up after I was finished and looked at him. All of a sudden this rush of love flooded into me causing me to break down in heaving sobs. I didn't know it at the time but that was the first time I'd ever felt unconditional love. I loved him and he loved me. I devoted my life to him.

Skylar's Paternal Grandparents sued me for custody when he was 2, once I broke up with their physically abusive son. They even made false accusations about me to the Children's Aid Society (CAS) and I had to endure an investigation where I was found to be very capable parent by their agency. Even so, Skylar was ordered to spend every weekend away with them. Not being with Skylar was excruciating. I built my world around caring for him and loved it. I learned to live a single parent life half of the time for 3 straight years, until he was 5. After that, Skylar's Paternal Grandparents ( the ones that sued me ) divorced and no longer wanted him as often. This was a huge blow to Skylar and the life I had been forced to build because of their lawsuit years prior. I did my best to adjust and find support but Skylar began to display signs of emotional overload and problems at school were often by the time of 7. I did not have support of family or friends to care for him at this point and CAS became involved again. The next 3 years went down hill. CAS offered no help or resources. I lost support rather than gained it. Skylar and I were drowning. We needed help.

In 2003, when Skylar was 10, the funding model changed in Ontario, Canada for CAS agencies. After this change these private agencies were funded by the government based on things like apprehensions. I had no idea at the time. In my world, this was when CAS changed their minimal, unhelpful involvement to threats of apprehension, still with no viable solutions offered. They were eventually successful. Skylar was taken to a group home and put regularly in submissive holds as per CAS's own records. He turned to self harm and experienced rage attacks. His only wish was to come home. Instead, Skylar was heavily medicated with drugs not approved for children. (Ex: Seroquel, 10 yrs old) I was alienated and shamed by staff social workers; they felt Skylar would be better off without me and told me outright, often. I finally believed them; my self worth was destroyed. I spent a year in a suicidal state until I received a letter saying that Skylar missed me and needed me. The workers had changed and the offending staff had been fired. I was welcomed back and gave it my all for reunification. CAS then moved for custody/crown wardship, another step in the funding model. CAS receives more funding for crown wards than just the apprehended in their care. I did not know this at the time. CAS officials explained to me that Skylar needed expensive assessments and treatments that I could not afford and that by signing him over, I was giving him a chance at full healing and a normal life at home with me, eventually. CAS stated they would still keep visits and reunification plans, but use the legal status to care for Skylar in ways I could not medically. I could not disagree with trying to help my son, so I agreed. I was even commended in court by the presiding Judge for doing the right thing even though it was hard.

But CAS did not get any expensive assessments done. And they did not do any special treatments. And they did not keep up our reunification efforts, in fact, they stopped it all together. And told Skylar that it was because I was not interested. Meanwhile I was cut off from visits and then even phone calls for one reason or another by CAS workers until we were reduced to sneaking communications through email when workers weren't looking. It was then we found out CAS had been lying to us both. I documented everything. I wrote the Ministry. I had the CAS agency investigated. Unfortunately, Skylar was spiraling. Severe self harm, suicide attempts, violent altercations, hospitalizations, all that I was never privy to until reading the official file I have in my legal possession. All incidents that legally, CAS had to report to me, yet did not. In February 2011, at the age of 17, I finally got my son back. I fought and won. We spent 6 blissful months talking, visiting family, eating lemon meringue pie from scratch ( I learned how just for him ) and even going to some events together like the beach and a country fair.

But the trauma he endured and the bond that still needed deep healing between us was just too dangerous a combination for his sensitive self to manage. He had a history of violence with others and sadly, turned on me. I have been through a lot in my life. I have come to understand that what is seen with the eyes is not all there is in existence. Some people, sensitive, gifted people, can experience what is beyond and it can be amazing, but very dangerous at times. So when I tell you that my son tried to kill me, I don't really think that is true. I believe Skylar was so distraught, so wounded, that he gave up on the inside and a darkness, not him, took over and tried to end my life. It was not Skylar's face that I saw that quietly grab the biggest knife in the kitchen and smile in an inhumanly deep and frightening way before seemingly gleefully swinging the blade high and burying it twice into my arm and eventually my back, puncturing my lung. He eventually came back to his senses and was distraught at the scene in front of him, rushing to my side and grabbing my hand. I had already apologized to everyone as I knew I was dying. I had lost so much blood and though the ambulance was on it's way, I had already bled out freely from my lung and other injuries for more than 10 minutes.

As Skylar held my hand, I felt this incredibly powerful, warm energy radiate all over me. It was so intense, it almost had a hum to it. It stayed with me for 4 straight days. I don't remember the words we said because there weren't many. His love and my love were one and words were unnecessary. He saved my life. In moments, the ambulance came, but first, Skylar was arrested. The last time I would see my babe alive. He went to jail for aggravated assault. He was not allowed to contact me ( not my choice, by law ) for 3 years. I sent msgs as soon as I was allowed. In 2017 he finally contacted me trying to meet. I jumped at the chance for re-connection but I had to ensure sure things were safe for us both; his interest dwindled though he did say "keep the door open". And oh, did I ever do that. I would have held that door open forever. I always told him I loved him. NO matter what. I never blamed him. Always showed understanding. But you can't save someone emotionally. You can only love them. So that's what I resolved to do. Through him sending me self harm pictures over the last year and saying things I wish no mother ever has to hear their child utter to them. I loved Skylar so well that when he msgd me on May 13, a day after Mother's Day and 4 days before his death, with self harm photos blaming me, I didn't hesitate to respond with love and hope that he would get treatment for his wound, reach out for support and know we were always here loving him no matter what he decided to do with his life. I had no way to contact help for him. I saw his picture and he was in the woods. No one knew where he was. I could only love him. I could not save him. And even though he is gone I can still love him.

Skylar's Funeral Because of his hard life and unrelated family feud issues, some people were reluctant to attend. Which hurts but as an empath, I truly get the why of people's emotions so I don't take it personally, for me or Skylar. So we chose a simple, freestyle ceremony at our home to lay Skylar's remains to rest and let the day take us as it would. My Mother, Sister and her partner, Jaze, Hope and I all gathered by a beautiful white pine I love. It was very sunny, but not too hot. The wind was just perfect enough to keep the bugs at bay. The sky was a true blue with fluffy white clouds here and there.

Hope placed her brother's remains ( her request ) box that she had decorated with drawings in the space made in the ground.

We all said what we felt about Skylar or held silence as we wished. Hope said, "Skylar taught my Mom how to love. I taught her how to be a good Mom." We said goodbye with handfuls of dirt tossed in and a beautiful hunk of rose quartz my sister added. Tears flowed freely.

Heading to the House for Organic Refreshments

Afterward, we had organic refreshments together under a maple tree and we sang and played music for the first time in many years. It was incredibly healing in so many ways and beautiful beyond words.

Our Week Aside from Skylar's funeral, we did a lot of planting to get our organic crops in and found a NEW Park to visit when we go to town. It has trails to walk and a lovely view of the lake. We're #nevernotlearning so I never feel guilty when life happens and it takes up most of our time. That's how life really is. Unpredictable.