May 20, 2019

Freeschoolin' Through Loss

This past week, Hope's only sibling passed away.

Her brother, my beloved first-born, Skylar Matthews-Jones, was 26 and very troubled. With him, I was a teen mom with little to no support, trying to do better after a very difficult and lonely childhood and we were harassed by an agency that ended up ripping our family apart. He was stolen, isolated, abused and convinced to believe I was the enemy by this agency. Sadly, he was unable to break the hold this captivity and programming had on him and he became bitter and violent towards himself and others. He never could break this habit of a coping skill and ultimately, it destroyed his life and kept his family from being able to help and support him towards healing. I plan on telling his full story, but for now, I just wanted to share enough to talk about loss. Great loss. Hope has cried about her brother before, wishing they could grow up together and be friends like she observes other siblings relationships, but this time she didn't. I think she's going to need some time and a trigger like a movie with a plot about loss of a sibling to help her move fully through this loss. Aside from that she is doing very well. Jaze is being super supportive, as always, even though he is sad himself. We've had a long road trying to prevent this outcome we are both grieving that it couldn't be avoided. My motherheart is broken. I let myself cry as long as I need. I have been painting. I eat to nourish my body while my soul grows from this experience. It's painful but I know it won't last forever. I'll never stop missing him but I've lived so long missing him that I am used to carrying the burden. At least now, he's free. No more pain for my sweet boy who taught me unconditional love, how to play and the meaning of true strength. He will live on forever as my hero in so many ways. If you're dealing with loss, or feeling lost and at the end of your rope, please feel free to reach out. Comment, contact us and/or connect with us through social media. We are not alone. There is no need to do this solo.

THIS WEEK

This week we had a fire, dealt with an injury to our horses eye (he's ok!) played in the sunny, flowery fields and played D&D. We were invited to a favorite homeschool friend's birthday party so we made him some LARP claws that Hope wrapped and tagged. The party was amazing (They throw the best parties!) and we had so much fun, staying into the wee hours. We all went to bed with happy memories and grateful hearts. The police came to the door to notify of my son's death on Friday night so we took Saturday to just let the news sink in. Sunday we had lots of fun helping out with homeless outreach and park time after. We're #nevernotlearning even through challenging times.