Parenting Without Punishment
We have never punished Hope. Not even once.
When we ask the question, "Is there really such a lack of natural consequences in life that we need to make them up for our children?", the answer is clearly NO. Learning The Hard Way I parented my first punitively. And reaped the consequences. I taught him that my rule was law. He became sneaky instead of obedient. I punished him with removing his things and taking away TV and fun events. He became resentful and unhappy. I honestly never learned to connect with him until it was too late. And now, now I see so clearly my heart aches to go back and change it all. There Are No Do-Overs I think that's what every veteran parent who points out that childhood is painfully short is trying to say. You can't go back. It is bittersweet to raise our dear Hope in a way I desperately wish I could have raised my beloved firstborn. He so deserved that. Punitive Parenting Interferes With Bonding
As babies our brains are wired to find love = worth. When we have our needs met, physically, emotionally and mentally, we know we are valued and loved. If, in babyhood, our needs are not met, we begin to question this worth. If in toddlerhood, our needs are not met, we try to get them met. If our attempts trigger punishment, we learn we cannot trust those we love to help us. If this continues throughout childhood, we learn many different ways of dealing with not having our needs met. Rebelling/acting out, unhealthy dependence on peer relationships, obsession with winning approval from others, addictive, toxic coping habits and more.
Stopping The Cycle Now, we know we can heal the damage, but I think we can all agree that it would be much more efficient to prevent the damage from ever happening. Most parents are not doing this on purpose! They are just doing their best with what they learned. We are a different stage in humanity now. We are more awake/aware than ever. We can see things we didn't see before. We don't have to curse those before us for not knowing. “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” —Maya Angelou.
How We Do It
Simply put, relationships and perspective. We have healthy boundaries for relationships and have learned how to adjust them to incorporate children during the time they grow into our peers. Everyone in the home is treated with full respect, mind, body, and spirit, no matter their age. If a toddler wants something, their want is just as valid as any adult. We try to say yes as often as humanly possible. We redirect, support and comfort when it's not. We hold this same space for any adult who is equally as distraught with disappointment. It is tailored to the person experiencing the need. If an adult is not being respectful, we also use support. We ask questions. We reaffirm our agreed upon values. We use our understanding. There is never a need for punishment when relationship is the focus. We keep in mind always that children will one day be our valued peers and treat them accordingly. More Info
There are books on Peaceful/Relationship Based Parenting, but honestly I've read none of them because I discovered my path through experience and empathy, so I can't recommend one over the other. However if you want detailed info, it's out there! We also have past articles you might find helpful - Peaceful Parenting articles on Freeschoolin'. Ask Us A Question! We'd love to hear from you and we're happy to share what we've learned along the way so Contact Us anytime!
This Week
Hope played a lot of 💻 Minecraft and Roblox and I got some ✏ illustrating done. Our dear Unschool friends gifted 🎀 Hope a KiwiCrate subscription and the first package arrived, so she put that together with Jaze. Thank you friends!!!!! She had a blast! More 🌲forest walking this week taking advantage of the bugless days before their eggs hatch and reclaim the woods. Had a blast at the 🚗 Drive In 🚗 near our house watching Endgame and playing in the retro playground. Here's what you can learn at the Drive In! Hope spotted a wild Turkey 🦃 on our lawn and we discovered Kale🌱 growing in our garden already! Spring has officially sprung! 🌼
NEW Episode! The Freeschoolin' Family on Youtube!
Much Love Always, Wendy Visit our Bookstore!
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